America has been home to some of the best inventions in modern history.
The Wright Brothers gave us the airplane...
They would invent landing gear shortly after this picture
New Orleans gave us Jazz...
She was also a terrible Gladiator
And in 1957, Alfred Feilding and Marc Chavannes invented the greatest toy for any child...
I love my bubble wrap, bitches
America has had some great things come though this land, but there is only one thing that we, as a nation are truly obsessed with.
Maybe just a light snack before the game
No not that...
Real Americans don't share
The Automobile!
Vroom vroom, Michael
It is arguable who invented the actual automobile, but in 1914, Henry Ford made the car widespread and easily accessible. It only cost an assembly line worker four months pay.
That's like $2.4 billion after inflation
Since that point, America has had a torrid love affair with the car. We have featured them in action movies, in fact, many teen's in the 50's lost their virginity in a car while watching a movie featuring a car. Still to this day, the car is the easiest way to compensate for a lack of any reproductive organ whatsoever.
Not me, I ride the train
The car is as American as baseball, apple pie, and marrying a rich old guy.
gross
I have never been too enthralled by cars. Some people love sports car and talk about the different engines all day long. I could care less. I do not care that you have made your car look like an extra from The Fast and the Furious....Or 2 Fast 2 Furious, or The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift, or Fast & Furious, or Fast Five, or Fast Six or My Car Looks Like A HotWheels
My car is a nightlight to protect me from my fear of practicality
To me, there has only ever been one automobile that stands above all else. It is the auto that the U.S. Army has trusted since 1940...
THE JEEP
Hello, I am Jeep. How may I help you be awesome today?
When I was about 5 years old, I was riding in the car and looking out the window at a stoplight. The next moment would irreversibly change me forever. A yellow jeep wrangler pulled up next to us. "What is this glorious machine?" my wee little brain thought, then instantly "I must have it, and I must have it now." From that moment forward, I used all of my energy to put me on a path that would lead to glorious summers with the doors and top off my very own Jeep.
Just slayin'
No, unfortunately I was not one of those awesome kids that got the children's jeep as a child. The kids down the block had one and I was envious to no end.
Not a proud moment of my childhood
Starting around 13 years old, I held a sting of jobs that were shitty even for a young teenager. I started off as a T-Ball umpire in a league where the parents didn't seem to understand that all the kids got to bat, the runs and outs didn't matter, and I was basically a glorified babysitter.
Strike...9?
After a few years of getting yelled at by aggressive parents, I decided to make my money off the field and worked at the concession stand a mere 25 feet away from home plate. Surely I would be able to avoid the angry parents by selling them $5.50 hot dogs that were cooked by a teenager hours ago. What could they possibly complain about now?
The face of another satisfied customer
After baking in the un-air conditioned box for a few Texas summers, the few unmelted brain cells decided to move to a cushy indoor job. I threw on pair of khakis and a red polo and moved into the wonderful world of being a cashier for a one stop shop for suburban moms.
Fine! I will sign the paper saying I won't unionize. Can I have my $4.75/hr now?
After countless hours of standing at a register and being summed to closed door meeting after closed door meeting. I realized two things...
- I don't care how many times you tell me, I am not going to push the credit card onto the family that is using food stamps to help them "save 10% on their purchase today"
- Every single angry parent, unsatisfied customer, and angry boss is worth it the first time you sit in your very own jeep.
I...am...outtahere
I wouldn't trade my first jeep for any car in the world. The amount of freedom, relaxation and happiness behind that wheel is unmatched. I loved every second of that car...up until someone in college pulled the ebrake and pushed it down a hill.
(reenactment)
When I came out to see my jeep gone, my heart dropped. I am not too big of a man to say that I wept openly infront of my friends. I also cry every year when I watch It's a Wonderful Life. I am a bit of a crier.
"To my brother George, the richest man in towwwaaaaaaaaawawaa"
Thankfully, nobody was hurt but the jeep was totaled. The cop who came to show me what happened to my jeep couldn't have been a bigger dick about it though. I guess being a cop in a college town wears you down after a while.
"Let it burn"
"Uhhh officer, that is your car"
"oh FUCK"
That night, I was devastated. Thankfully my insurance kicks ass and they gave me a nice amount.
The pursuit of happiness, indeed
It wasn't quite as much as the Jeep was worth, but it was pretty close. And it was just enough to get me...
Another Jeep!
Hello, I am also Jeep. Would you like to stay awesome?
I sure as shit would, Jeep. I sure as shit would.
