Jeeps

America has been home to some of the best inventions in modern history.

The Wright Brothers gave us the airplane...

They would invent landing gear shortly after this picture

New Orleans gave us Jazz...

She was also a terrible Gladiator

And in 1957, Alfred Feilding and Marc Chavannes invented the greatest toy for any child...

I love my bubble wrap, bitches

America has had some great things come though this land, but there is only one thing that we, as a nation are truly obsessed with.

Maybe just a light snack before the game

No not that...

Real Americans don't share

The Automobile!

Vroom vroom, Michael

It is arguable who invented the actual automobile, but in 1914, Henry Ford made the car widespread and easily accessible. It only cost an assembly line worker four months pay.

That's like $2.4 billion after inflation

Since that point, America has had a torrid love affair with the car. We have featured them in action movies, in fact, many teen's in the 50's lost their virginity in a car while watching a movie featuring a car. Still to this day, the car is the easiest way to compensate for a lack of any reproductive organ whatsoever.

Not me, I ride the train

The car is as American as baseball, apple pie, and marrying a rich old guy.

gross

I have never been too enthralled by cars. Some people love sports car and talk about the different engines all day long. I could care less. I do not care that you have made your car look like an extra from The Fast and the Furious....Or 2 Fast 2 Furious, or The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift, or Fast & Furious, or Fast Five, or Fast Six or My Car Looks Like A HotWheels

My car is a nightlight to protect me from my fear of practicality

To me, there has only ever been one automobile that stands above all else. It is the auto that the U.S. Army has trusted since 1940...

THE JEEP

Hello, I am Jeep.  How may I help you be awesome today?

When I was about 5 years old, I was riding in the car and looking out the window at a stoplight.  The next moment would irreversibly change me forever.  A yellow jeep wrangler pulled up next to us.  "What is this glorious machine?" my wee little brain thought, then instantly "I must have it, and I must have it now."  From that moment forward, I used all of my energy to put me on a path that would lead to glorious summers with the doors and top off my very own Jeep.

Just slayin'

No, unfortunately I was not one of those awesome kids that got the children's jeep as a child.  The kids down the block had one and I was envious to no end. 

Not a proud moment of my childhood

Starting around 13 years old, I held a sting of jobs that were shitty even for a young teenager.  I started off as a T-Ball umpire in a league where the parents didn't seem to understand that all the kids got to bat, the runs and outs didn't matter, and I was basically a glorified babysitter.

Strike...9?

After a few years of getting yelled at by aggressive parents, I decided to make my money off the field and worked at the concession stand a mere 25 feet away from home plate.  Surely I would be able to avoid the angry parents by selling them $5.50 hot dogs that were cooked by a teenager hours ago.  What could they possibly complain about now?

The face of another satisfied customer

After baking in the un-air conditioned box for a few Texas summers, the few unmelted brain cells decided to move to a cushy indoor job.   I threw on pair of khakis and a red polo and moved into the wonderful world of being a cashier for a one stop shop for suburban moms.

 

Fine! I will sign the paper saying I won't unionize.  Can I have my $4.75/hr now?

After countless hours of standing at a register and being summed to closed door meeting after closed door meeting.  I realized two things...

1. I don't care how many times you tell me, I am not going to push the credit card onto the family that is using food stamps to help them "save 10% on their purchase today"
2. Every single angry parent, unsatisfied customer, and angry boss is worth it the first time you sit in your very own jeep.

I...am...outtahere

I wouldn't trade my first jeep for any car in the world.  The amount of freedom, relaxation and happiness behind that wheel is unmatched.  I loved every second of that car...up until someone in college pulled the ebrake and pushed it down a hill.

(reenactment)

When I came out to see my jeep gone, my heart dropped.  I am not too big of a man to say that I wept openly infront of my friends.  I also cry every year when I watch It's a Wonderful Life.  I am a bit of a crier.  

"To my brother George, the richest man in towwwaaaaaaaaawawaa"

Thankfully, nobody was hurt but the jeep was totaled.  The cop who came to show me what happened to my jeep couldn't have been a bigger dick about it though.  I guess being a cop in a college town wears you down after a while.

"Let it burn"

"Uhhh officer, that is your car"

"oh FUCK"

That night, I was devastated.  Thankfully my insurance kicks ass and they gave me a nice amount. 

The pursuit of happiness, indeed

It wasn't quite as much as the Jeep was worth, but it was pretty close.  And it was just enough to get me...

Another Jeep!

Hello, I am also Jeep.  Would you like to stay awesome?

I sure as shit would, Jeep.  I sure as shit would.  

THIS IS MADNESS!

As March comes to a close there is no question, March is one of the best months in the year.  The snow is finally starting to melt and I give myself some hope that summer will be here sooner than I think. 

ooooo la la!

My friends and I get together and drink enough green beer to dye our livers a deep forest green.

This is what I feel like by about 2pm most St. Patty's Days

Spring has officially sprung but all of that pales in comparison to what truly makes March one of the greatest months of the year.

This is madness!

NO THIS IS...

MARCH MADNESS!!!!

Having gone to the always impressive University of Kansas, college basketball is a way of life. Even when I watch NBA games (rarely), I will find myself still associating the players with their Alma Matter. Now some people do not see how truly amazing March Madness is (one of them is my girlfriend).

"It's a waste of time"

No other month shows so many nail biting games with players that will fight tooth-and-nail to have their team advance. They are the top (arguable) unpaid (VERY arguable) athletes in the nation and for some of them, it will be the last game they ever play at that level.

I work at the bookstore when I am not on the court

Back in 2008, when KU won the National Championship, I was fortunate enough to go to the first two rounds of play in Omaha, NE. That was one of the best weekends of my life. Not only because I got to see KU handily win their first two rounds, I also go to see a lot of great players play their last collegiate basketball game. One of those was Michael Beasley.

When I am not on the court, I am getting baked more than Pillsbury

Even though he went to K-State, I will still say he was one of the best players of the 2000's. He declared for the draft, went as the second pick, and has had unimpressive careers with the Heat, the Timberwolves, the Suns, back with the Heat, and now the Grizzllies. I still think he was an unstoppable force as a college player.

Photo Unrelated

College teams have two styles of play in my opinion, they are either a well rounded team with a variety of great role players, but no unbelievable stars. I would include such teams as Duke or, up until 2013, my Alma Matter, KU in this category. Even if their “star” is off that night, the rest of the team is so strong that they could easily pull off a win. These are the teams that live and die as a team. When the team is meshing well and everybody is clicking, it is a thing of magic, but some nights the team never finds its rhythm and that can lead to tragedy in March.

It's ok, you can push your child to do better, and then have him resent you

The other style of play I tend to see is a team that surrounds a player that is too much of a dominant force to stop. Texas did this with Kevin Durant, Davidson did this with Stephen Curry, and, of course, K-State did this with Michael Beasley. Even the Heat did this with LeBron James in the NBA.

Ouch.

This is not my favorite style of play. I love to watch it, but I wouldn't bet on those teams. They are the ones that get amazing SportsCenter highlights and they are the ones that get all the conversations about the player, but if that one player has a night off, the whole team is hung out to dry. When a player that averages over 30 points a game even gets a much as 20 or 25, that is an off night. In the Turny, 5 points makes or breaks a team. 5 points is the difference between heading to the Final Four, or going back home. But, I haven't even gotten to the best part of March Madness...

THAT is a fan

Building a bracket and playing against your friends. Filling out those brackets and going game by game, analyzing stats, seeing game play, and (mostly) going with that gut feeling is a time honored tradition. Every year, I do my research, carefully pick my teams, and am confident that my bracket is 100% correct. I play a variety of people; the die-hard college basketball fan, the guy who loves pro sports, and the guy who knows little-to-nothing of college basketball. 

"What is this Bass-keet-ball?"

Guess who won the league this year? It is the same people that win every year. It's the people who pick Morehead State because they think the name is hilarious.

Tuche

Once again, my knowledge of teams and players has gotten me nowhere in March. I did not choose one of the Final Four correctly this year (I mean, who chooses an 11, 8, 4, and 3 to make it?). Out of the Elite 8, I had a grand total of....2! KU and Florida. Both teams should have beaten their teams, and thus, I would have won my league. Could Florida beat number 8 seed Butler, NO. Could Kansas beat NUMBER 11 SEED VIRGINA COMMONWEALTH??? Of course not....

I am dissapoint

Even though my bracket gets busted every year, I will still keep playing, I will still keep rooting for the Cinderella Stories, and I will still be sad when the Madness is over. Besides, it is almost warm enough to go catch a baseball game.

Let's do a little better this year guys



ANIMALS ARE NO LONGER OUR FRIENDS

Chimpanzees have been our friends since we learned that we can.... 



dress them in tuxedos,

Have them ride a bike,

or just watch them with their other animal friends.

Apparently, the love we have for the chimps is a one way street.  It seems that this chimp doesn't take to kindly to strangers.  That's right, the chimps have now learned how to form plans of attack, stockpile weapons, but have not learned the overhand throw.  If these almost-humans ever decide to stop playing softball and move up to the big leagues, we as a society, will be F'ed in the A.  This was the first recorded incident of a premeditated attack in the animal kingdom.  Premeditated attacks are step one in starting a war.  From the picture above, it looks like they will have no problem getting the White Tigers on their side.

...and we thought they were our friends.



If the chimps start to get other animals to turn on us, we will have no way of stopping them.

I mean, we already let them on our airplanes.

Yes, that is a real panda.  Yes he has his own seat on a commercial airline flight.  Now we get to the tricky questions.  Did he have to pay for his ticket? No. Did he go though the full body scanner like the rest of us? Probably not.  I know a few other people that rode on airplanes, they were called terrorists.  Smooth move, China.  You just gave a free ride to a fuzzy terrorist.  I am on to you, panda.  Don't think your cuddly body and soft eyes surrounded by black give you immunity.  I AM ON TO YOU!  If the chimps find out we let animals on our planes without tickets, it will be Armageddon 2.0. At least we know the cute dolphins will always be by our side.

Fish for friendship?

Yes, these cute stuntmen of the sea are one of my personal favorite animals. I mean, who couldn't love one of the only other animals that have sex for fun? They were always my favorite part of the aquariums as a kid and I still love watching them do those flips.  Sure, Dr. Evil had some crazy ideas about having sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, but the government would never weaponize dolphins, would they?

OH MY GOD!

We didn't just weaponize dolphins, we equipped them with the most terrible weapon known to man.  The "Shark Dart" is capable of injecting a diver with over 3,000 psi of Carbon Dioxide, pretty much liquifying their insides, having the intestines squirt out every hole in their body, and scaring the shit out of me that this technology even exists.  The company that made "Shark Darts" for the Navy said they no longer make weapons and only supply underwater transports now-a-days.  The Navy said they no longer use "Shark Darts", but I still have nightmares that this weapon is out there.  What does this look like you may ask, well James Bond did something like it in "Live and Let Die" back in 'ol 1973.

Except instead of floating to the cealing, you turn into goo

The Soviets were a little less inventive with their use of dolphin warfare.  They pretty much just sent the dolphins out on Kamikaze missions with a bunch of explosives on their backs. 

I wonder if the dolphins were promissed dolphin virgins in the afterlife? 

Needless to say, if the chimps recruit dolphin soldiers, the seas will not be safe.  We need some aquatic life on our side and one of my old friends does not approve of what the chimps are doing to the animal kingdom. 

Narwhals are badass

When I was asked to write a report in the second grade about my favorite animal, many of my classmates chose to research dogs, or lions, or zebras, but they were all fools.  I was the only one in the entire grade to get the correct answer to what kind of animal is the biggest ass-kicker out there.  The Narwhal.  He goes by many names, "the moon whale", "the sea unicorn", and "fuck yes, that guy is awesome."  The Narwhal does not put up with shenanigans from chimps.  He has a horn on his head!  He doesn't take shit from anybody.  If you want to get technical the "horn" is actually a long spiral tooth, but still...bad ass.  How would a Narwhal use this "horn" against the animals you may ask.

Even Dr. Seuss thought they were the shit

It's me and the sea unicorn vs the animal kingdom and I say, Bring It On!  We have a secret weapon on our side.  Hey, Mr. Narwhal, who (besides me) is your best friend in the whole wide world?

Magic in a picture



That is right ladies and gentleman, Barack Obama, the leader of the free world, Chicago native, and White Sox fan, is friends with the mighty Narwhal.  Why would he be friends with an Arctic whale you may ask?

They sure are

So, when the animals attack, what team are you going to be on? I know my answer.

An Army of Awesome