Chimpanzees have been our friends since we learned that we can....
dress them in tuxedos,
Have them ride a bike,
or just watch them with their other animal friends.
Apparently, the love we have for the chimps is a one way street. It seems that this chimp doesn't take to kindly to strangers. That's right, the chimps have now learned how to form plans of attack, stockpile weapons, but have not learned the overhand throw. If these almost-humans ever decide to stop playing softball and move up to the big leagues, we as a society, will be F'ed in the A. This was the first recorded incident of a premeditated attack in the animal kingdom. Premeditated attacks are step one in starting a war. From the picture above, it looks like they will have no problem getting the White Tigers on their side.
...and we thought they were our friends.
If the chimps start to get other animals to turn on us, we will have no way of stopping them.
I mean, we already let them on our airplanes.
Yes, that is a real panda. Yes he has his own seat on a commercial airline flight. Now we get to the tricky questions. Did he have to pay for his ticket? No. Did he go though the full body scanner like the rest of us? Probably not. I know a few other people that rode on airplanes, they were called terrorists. Smooth move, China. You just gave a free ride to a fuzzy terrorist. I am on to you, panda. Don't think your cuddly body and soft eyes surrounded by black give you immunity. I AM ON TO YOU! If the chimps find out we let animals on our planes without tickets, it will be Armageddon 2.0. At least we know the cute dolphins will always be by our side.
Fish for friendship?
Yes, these cute stuntmen of the sea are one of my personal favorite animals. I mean, who couldn't love one of the only other animals that have sex for fun? They were always my favorite part of the aquariums as a kid and I still love watching them do those flips. Sure, Dr. Evil had some crazy ideas about having sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, but the government would never weaponize dolphins, would they?
OH MY GOD!
We didn't just weaponize dolphins, we equipped them with the most terrible weapon known to man. The "Shark Dart" is capable of injecting a diver with over 3,000 psi of Carbon Dioxide, pretty much liquifying their insides, having the intestines squirt out every hole in their body, and scaring the shit out of me that this technology even exists. The company that made "Shark Darts" for the Navy said they no longer make weapons and only supply underwater transports now-a-days. The Navy said they no longer use "Shark Darts", but I still have nightmares that this weapon is out there. What does this look like you may ask, well James Bond did something like it in "Live and Let Die" back in 'ol 1973.
Except instead of floating to the cealing, you turn into goo
The Soviets were a little less inventive with their use of dolphin warfare. They pretty much just sent the dolphins out on Kamikaze missions with a bunch of explosives on their backs.
I wonder if the dolphins were promissed dolphin virgins in the afterlife?
Needless to say, if the chimps recruit dolphin soldiers, the seas will not be safe. We need some aquatic life on our side and one of my old friends does not approve of what the chimps are doing to the animal kingdom.
Narwhals are badass
When I was asked to write a report in the second grade about my favorite animal, many of my classmates chose to research dogs, or lions, or zebras, but they were all fools. I was the only one in the entire grade to get the correct answer to what kind of animal is the biggest ass-kicker out there. The Narwhal. He goes by many names, "the moon whale", "the sea unicorn", and "fuck yes, that guy is awesome." The Narwhal does not put up with shenanigans from chimps. He has a horn on his head! He doesn't take shit from anybody. If you want to get technical the "horn" is actually a long spiral tooth, but still...bad ass. How would a Narwhal use this "horn" against the animals you may ask.
Even Dr. Seuss thought they were the shit
It's me and the sea unicorn vs the animal kingdom and I say, Bring It On! We have a secret weapon on our side. Hey, Mr. Narwhal, who (besides me) is your best friend in the whole wide world?
Magic in a picture
That is right ladies and gentleman, Barack Obama, the leader of the free world, Chicago native, and White Sox fan, is friends with the mighty Narwhal. Why would he be friends with an Arctic whale you may ask?
They sure are
So, when the animals attack, what team are you going to be on? I know my answer.
An Army of Awesome
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